Trust?

"Sho, you don't value people in your life. There are some people who love you a lot! But you hardly care. You'll regret!"

I don't know why have I become so indifferent? No matter how good someone is to me, I just don't let anyone come close to me. Why is it so?
Why do I always feel that the moment someone becomes important for me to live , will be the moment he'll leave me and go away.

People like me as a person, become a good friend, trust me with all their heart, but when they expect me to have confidence in them and trust them back, I don't!
I know it must be annoying for them.
I'm sorry.

I want to have that one person who I can tell everything to, but experience tells me that I shouldn't.
Because when I tell my problems to people, all they do is- form their own perspective about me. Judge me. Or even cheat me.

So where is this TRUST supposed to come from?

I just don't want to be dependent on anyone, because for the times when I've been,the consequences were not fair.

I want to love people. I want to trust them. I want to give back what they feel for me.
But I can't.
I just can't.

You know what? It's strange that people want me to feel the things which they never show.
When I say 'I'm happy' , 'I'm fine' , it's surprising to note that no one ever wonders that maybe I'm lying.

When I needed people the most, they were never there. And now people expect me to act like GOD and be there for them whenever they want me to and rush out of their matters whenever they feel like.

My grandpa left this world, and two weeks later all I have is friends shouting at me and fighting with me in front of the whole class and then suddenly everyone quits talking to me.
Anyone cared?

I was disturbed all July, August 1 my exams started, I gave my 100%, I couldn't do well. Mum knew this. She didn't say anything and consoled me. And friends? Blame me, tell me that I can't make it to my dreams. I'm at fault. I'm careless. I was already shattered.
Anyone cared?

It feels like I'm knocking at a door which will never open up for me.

When I ALWAYS have to deal with my problems on my own, when I ALWAYS have to put up a fake smile and act like I don't care, then WHY should I care about others?

I think people should think twice, or maybe a million times before putting such accusations.

Because when you don't know the whole story, how can you even think of summarising it?

What I've Lost

Dear 2009,

I miss you. I don't know why. I shouldn't, I always called you the worst year of my life. Then why am I missing you now? Maybe because behind your imperfections, your drawbacks, you gave me infinite memories to cherish, infinite lessons to remmeber.

But the sad part, as usual, is that I didn't realise your worth while you were still with me. You were running out of my hands and I didn't try to take a picture of your presence in my mind, so now all that I'm left with is blurry images of your memories.

I miss speeding my scooty on the wet roads during August and September, while going to my Guitar classes.

I miss Anderson Sir, who appreciated my grip on the guitar and my awesome sense of music.

I miss my mates, ones who survived only till 2009. My crime partners, as I put it.

I miss sitting alone in the recess, readin newspaper, sitting with my legs on the chair on my side, so that no one else can come closer to me. Why do I always make a wall around me? This is one thing which is still the same.

I miss Vineet sir's anger, his jokes which he cracked accidentally, leaving us amazed and wondering if he is back to normal.

I miss my Nainital trip, the way I walked all alone on the roads in the pouring rain, with my i-pod plugged in. The way mom scolded me for going for a stroll all alone in an unknown city in the rain, and then the hot Sweet corn soup and Chicken Momos in a nearby restaurant while having a loving talk with mumma. The way I bought gifts for all my friends. The candles. The cotton candy. The lake.

I miss bunking Maths class and sitting for the whole period on the stairs of the top floor of the new building, all alone.

I miss 'not' going to school and 'not' completing homework on time.

I miss my group fights every now and then. Now we hardly interact enoughg to have a fight.

I miss group studying during exams and ending up all screwed and unprepared.

Now things are different. I don't have 'Time' for my guitar classes or Nainital trip. I can't even think of missing my Maths class now.
Yes, being alone is still possible.
I can't change that.

By the way, this 2010 is testing me way too much. I wish my life could just repeat you continuously like a song on a scratched CD.

Miss you.

Yours,
Old Sonakshi.